I am tired of doing the impossible for the ungrateful. Words spoken by Denzel Washington in and as Roman J Israel Esq. These words resonate with my own thoughts and feelings.
Yes. This is what I have been doing in my professional and personal life, for decades, while I could not place my finger on what was bugging me. “Seemingly impossible” is more appropriate, as I have really gone out there, and did those things I did. Some criticism, some accolades. The criticism when constructive, taught me, and when unfair and became increasingly so, started the erosion of my psyche.
At one time, I seriously considered changing my passwords into ” Doormat” with variations. I thought and believed that I was only doing my duty and so I persisted in drenching myself with masochism. Till a little red flag started waving in my brain, and my spinal cord and brain rebelled.
Alfred Lord Tennyson’s poem ” The Charge of the Light Brigade” and the song “Bridge over Troubled Waters” seemed to have been written for me.
“Theirs not to reason why…..theirs but to do and die”…..How many of you are living like this?
Years of servitude, condescension, false smiles, and promises that died before they exited the lips.
A caterpillar withdrew into a cocoon and emerged one day as a red butterfly.
A lump of clay reinvented itself.
The doormat transformed into a flying carpet…still flying, but with a destination in sight.
There is no looking back now, no regrets…..as I choose to believe that I have been inhaling, but not really breathing in the oxygen (from the remaining few trees), not letting my cells or soul to live.
I was tired, so I slept. I also slept to dream, but now I have woken up to chase those dreams, “dream them into my life” as I heard in another song.
Go on, I see your smiles of derision, hear you tittering…..
But I also see your jaws dropping and eyebrows touch your hairlines, and the smile is mine!
Thank you, Roman J, Israel Esq. My compliments to the scriptwriter, for shaking me out of my lethargy.
Sarojini's Thoughts 